


Love beyond remorse and regret

by bright73



Category: Young Riders
Genre: Ficlet, Gen, Love Bites
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-06-21
Updated: 2011-06-21
Packaged: 2017-10-20 15:01:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/214014
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bright73/pseuds/bright73
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It just hurts.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Love beyond remorse and regret

The sun was setting below the horizon and she wasn't home.

Inside, the more reckless of the riders were trying to rid themselves of their last pay in a game of poker. The laughter and mutterings carried out through the walls.

He was waiting, had been for hours now; with the sense of pure fear growing steadily. His mind had already wandered around half the territory, looking for her. Praying she wasn't hurt. Begging she'd come home in one piece, that was all he asked for right now. Let her be safe, please let her be safe.

He wasn't the only one worrying, Buck sat at his side, chewing on a straw. Watching the same direction his own eyes had been glued to since supper. An hour ago he had stood up and gotten ready to ride out and look for her.

Buck had said one word in a very sharp tone of voice; "Don't".

He had turned to look at his companion, ready to present very valid reasons to why he indeed should.

"It's not your place anymore, Kid."

Buck might just as well have stuck a knife into his core. That might in fact have been easier to endure. The awful truth always hurt more than any physical pain. The truth behind Buck's words was making him feel sick. Buck was right, it wasn't his place anymore. And he had done it all by himself by seeing a woman just to get to Lou. No wonder she'd take any ride she was offered just to get away from him. After what he'd done these past weeks he was barely able to tolerate himself. He had let his pride run amok with him, reaching out for something to ease the pain after she told him no. Anybody to restore his pride after the numbing pain she'd left in him when she refused his proposal. Now he was paying the price, a harsh one; bottomless remorse and endless regret.

He had to tweak his fingers loose from around the railing before he sank back to sit on the porch and watch the changing color of the light when day became night and Buck rose to lit the lantern on the porch while Kid continued his silent prayer. By now he was afraid to watch for her, every moment she didn't show up was like a confirmation of his immense loss. He had to divert his gaze to the soil and fight the chill.

The notion of her was still lodged so deep in his core he knew it would never vanish, whatever she did she'd be inside him. And he never wanted to let go, that strange lurching of his stomach, that absolute fear he felt now was all part of that tie to her. The tie she didn't want and he wasn't able to loosen. He still loved her, with a force that words wouldn't describe. Yet his own actions has belied the love he felt, belittled it and destroyed her faith in him. He hated himself for that.

"Hey," Buck spoke and had him lift his eyes off the ground as the distinct sound of galloping hooves reached through his heavy thoughts.

Buck was already on his feet when Lou rode in from behind the barn and slowed down to a trot. The relief of seeing her had Kid's knees shaking as he rose to walk over to her. But Buck stopped him with a firm grip around his elbow.

"Don't," he said again. "Leave her be, she's had a hard ride."

Kid stepped back, the icy hand squeezing his chest once again, making it painful to breathe, yet his eyes never left her. All while his heart hammered in pure joy of finally seeing her ride in.

There she was, skillfully swinging her leg over the horse and sliding down with a grace he found unbelievably alluring regardless of the torn and dirty look she presented. Her hair was wet and clung to her cheek, her breath labored as she took off her hat and wiped her brow. She was breathtakingly beautiful.

"Hard ride?" Buck asked and took the reins.

"Dreadful," Lou muttered.

"What happened to you?" Buck asked. "Ain't seen no rain around here."

Lou cast him a deadly glare while rubbing her palms against her dirty pants. "Well there's been a landslide at Broken Bend and I had to take the long way around, right into a downfall you wouldn't believe."

"Well lookin' at you I do believe you," Buck grinned. "Happen to see Cody out there? He rode off in that direction coupl'o hours ago."

"Nope." Lou shook her head, "if I'da known I'da taken the southern track around instead, I'm guessin' he did, that's if he had any sense at all."

Buck laughed and walked away with the horse while Lou turned to the water through to wash her face. With water dripping off her face she turned back to Buck. "Any supper left? Or did the boys manage to take that joy outta my life too?"

Buck involuntary looked in Kid's direction and Lou followed his gaze.

Her eyes got darker as she watched him, they glazed over with pain for a moment before she regained her stance.

He remained watching her, speechlessly trying to convey the regret and remorse that kept gnawing at him when her eyes spoke of what he'd done. The hurt he had put in there, the hurt that would give her all the right in the world to destroy him with merely one glance. Like she was doing right now.

He didn't see Buck leaving with the horse, he didn't notice the voices in the bunkhouse die out and Jimmy appearing by his side on the porch. All he saw was her. She was beautiful, which ever way you looked there was something about Louise McCloud that set her apart from everybody else. He knew it and one day she'd know it too and forget all about him. It would hurt like hell but he'd have to survive. He'd break apart, he knew that, he'd probably go insane but he'd never stop loving her. The hurt in her eyes was more than he could stand, he'd do anything to make it vanish for good. What he wanted to do right now was walk up to her, fall to his knees and ask for forgiveness. Then ask for permission to take her into his arms and hold her close to his heart. Just feel her breathing, feel her anger and take it all without blinking an eye. It would be easier than the cold stare and the silence. Anything would be easier than that.

"Hey Lou," Jimmy spoke at his side. "Ike was just about to make your supper a bet in the poker game he's sorely losin'." He grinned at the girl now walking up to him. "Told him he'd not only live to regret it but so would his grandchildren for generations."

"And you Jimmy, if you'd let him bet my supper on a losin' streak." Lou laughed.

"I figured," Jimmy smiled a side looped grin. "Luckily I'm wise enough not to get on your bad side."

She was close now, so close that if he reached his hand out he'd be able to touch her. He needed to touch her, to make sure she wasn't too cold. To sense she truly was real and not a figment of his imagination. But her eyes were on Jimmy and they were filled with joy. A teasing smile playing round the lips, a gaiety in her moves as she walked up the stairs and stopped in front of Jimmy. Challenging him playfully with her index finger pointing at him point blank. Jimmy grinned and took a step to the side to let her in.

Her eyes fell on Kid when her hand closed around the rim of the door. The look in her eyes deepened again, insecurity dwelling in the gaze she let rest on him for a brief moment.

"You all right Lou?" he asked, noticing too late how his voice trembled.

She stopped and let her eyes meet his gaze.

He held his breath.

"I'm fine," she said tiredly and diverted her eyes before she stepped inside.

Jimmy cast him a brief glance before he followed; "Comin'?".

Kid turned away and leaned up against the wall. When the door slammed shut he closed his eyes. The chill increased and the darkness was complete.

The tears were too close and he was too tired to fight them.


End file.
